Excuse Me, But WHAT!
by Sarcarai
Summary: The Twins have brought their work to Headquarters, Sirius is the victim of a well-meaning prank, and Hermione, well, Hermione should have known not to touch what isn't hers. A vicious plot bunny who wouldn't leave me alone. No pairings, AU OOTP.
1. Chapter 1

**Ahem... this is the result of reading profiles. If you're reading this, _abbzeh_, it was your profile, number 3 of the situations on your Characters list to be precise, that prompted this particular story. Please, please forgive me, everyone, but I simply couldn't resist. An hour of my life, spent on this.**

**Definately AU to Order of the Phoenix.**

**Disclaimer: I work at a fast food restaurant. Which means "No, I don't own Harry Potter."**

Life at number twelve Grimmauld place was about to get unexpectedly wild. And not, as you might think, because of the screaming, annoyingly unimaginative portrait of Sirius's mum, but rather, strangely enough, due to Hermione Granger, prefect and overall good girl. Unfortunately, the result did have something to do with the words "Sirius" and "Mum", just not in the way that one might first believe.

It first started because of the twins. Not that this is so surprising, really, I mean, who _doesn't _expect the twins to have some hand in this sort of thing? What thing, you ask? Well, we're getting to that. So the twins, despite having some very awesome quarters over in Diagon Alley, had decided that Grimmauld place was really the place to be and as such, had brought a bit of their work home with them. Unfortunately, they never told Hermione. And thus, the chaos begins.

Hermione was doing a bit of cleaning in an upstairs storage closet (really though, how many upstairs were there in this place? It's freaking _huge_) when she came across a table upon which a potion was set brewing. Her innate curiosity aroused, Hermione moved a bit closer in an attempt to determine what sort of potion it was, and, rather more importantly, how long it'd been there.

As she moved to wave her wand over the potion though, in a spell that would not disturb it, a previously unknown cut on her hand bled anew and a single droplet of her blood dropped unnoticed into the brew.

Unable to determine what the potion was, Hermione frowned before her eyes finally lighted upon the hitherto unnoticed trademark of the Weasley twins on a brew stick that was set just beyond the potion.

Realizing at once that this was not a strangely ancient and probably dangerous brew of the Black House, but instead an experiment of the Twins (and yes, they do deserve capitalization…) Hermione paled and began to back out as carefully as possible. For some reason, the idea of a centuries old Black brew was far less frightening to our young witch than the idea of a Twin experiment. And how right she was.

Meaning to alert somebody, anybody really, of what exactly transpired upstairs, Hermione forgot the strange potion in favor of her best friend Harry's appearance. The resulting tears and yelling quite drove the experience out of her mind. The result of which became apparent a few days later at dinner.

**Da**De**Da**

It was a fairly normal dinner, the girls were watching Tonks as she changed her appearance, Molly was bustling around feeding people, especially Harry, the Twins were discussing pranks with Sirius and Remus, and the rest were either discussing the Ministry (Bill and Arthur) or quidditch (Ron and anyone who'd listen to him).

It was after Sirius took a rather large pull from the butterbeer supplied him by the Twins that the Twins' previously innocent visages grew mischievous and self-satisfied. As a former Prankster himself, Sirius immediately recognized the look of a prank success and groaned good-naturedly.

"Alright, boys," he said heartily, "what'd you do to me? Will I grow feathers and a tail? Or will I find myself floating when next I hiccup?" Sniffing his butterbeer professionally, Sirius congratulated them. "Whatever it is, it didn't change the taste," he looked at them approvingly and, with a cheeky nod, downed the rest of the tainted beverage proclaiming, "Being pranked never tasted so good!"

Hermione, her attention attracted by the scene, immediately realized that this must be the potion they had been brewing. Moving closer, she asked the two,

"So what was that potion? I saw it in the storage closet on the third floor, but I forgot since Harry arrived soon after." The Twins looked at her in surprise.

"You saw-"

"Our potion-"

"And didn't say anything?" They chorused, incredulous.

She frowned. "Well, yes," she admitted, "but I couldn't figure out what it was and even the spell revealed nothing. So, what does it do?"

The Twins looked at each other.

"Well," began George, "it emulates pregnancy, but in a man-"

"Which, really," Fred continued, "is nothing less than a nightmare for any sane man-"

"And so we put a little potion together to give the gift of miracles to men everywhere!" They really had this Twinspeak thing down pat.

Sirius was looking somewhat less amused now.

"How long?" He wanted to know.

The Twins traded amused glances before answering together.

"One week," they said, grinning at Sirius's horrified look. "And don't worry, old chap-" Fred started.

"You won't really be having a baby," George added.

"It'll just feel like it!" They finished, high fiving each other.

They finished the night with Molly berating them every other breath for such a reckless prank and the rest grinning in amusement at Sirius's discomfiture, but soon enough, the prospect of Harry's trial dampened any enthusiasm and the rest of the week was spent in peace. With a few amused grins in Sirius's direction every now and then, of course.

It was when the week was up that Sirius came down to breakfast, grinning from ear to ear. He was in such high spirits, he fairly glowed.

"Well, boys," he announced, "looks like you need a little help with your potions skills, because not a nary one of your supposed symptoms hit me this week." He winked at them, "Guess I'm just too much of a man for your preggers potion to work."

The Twins looked at each other in confusion, before pulling off to the side to discuss this turn of events. Eventually, they shot a white light at Sirius, their faces turning horrified as the light turned pink. In dazed understanding, the two stared with open mouths at Hermione.

By now, of course, the regular breakfast scene had halted as they all waited for the Twins to explain.

"Erm, 'Mione," said Fred quietly, "did you, y'know, by _chance_, happen to, well-"

George broke in. "You didn't, er- _bleed_ into the potion… did you?"

About to steadfastly deny it, Hermione grew thoughtful. "I did find a cut on my hand that night, I think , but I don't remember it bleeding in the closet. Why?"

George bit his lip. "This is going to sound strange, but, we really do have to be sure, so could you give us your memory of going into the closet? Just so we can check?"

Suspicious but thoroughly curious now, Hermione watched as Fred went upstairs and came back with a small pensieve and she gave them the memory. A minute later, both twins came back pale and shaking.

Placing themselves rather close to the doorway and most convenient exit, the Twins explained.

Apparently, they knew the potion worked, having tested it on themselves each (Ron guffawed at this point) and had reasoned that it was entirely possible for the potion to have an altogether too _good_ of an effect if given female blood, therefore coming to the unenviable conclusion that Hermione had gotten Sirius pregnant. Given that the memory showed a drop of blood dripping from Hermione's palm and the spell they shot Sirius with glowed pink, they figured that Sirius would be the proud mother of a little girl come mid-March. With Hermione a teenage father at that. It was at this point they decided to make good use of their escape and ran, figuring Death Eaters in the Alley way were preferable to a pregnant Sirius and murderous Hermione.

**So, yeah. That was fun. I'm going to go back to my WIPs now. I may or may not decide to add to this at some future date, but if I do, it will be in such a manner that it can still be considered complete. And only if I am at the time unable to work on my other stories. As it is, I'm surprised I did this. But, whatever, I hope anybody reading this enjoyed it :) And please, don't bother me with any "Men can't have babies!" stuff. It's a parady for a reason, and the use of magic is rather obvious I would think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't really consider a pregnant Sirius canon in anyway, but just in case- I don't own Harry Potter ;)**

Life at Hogwarts went on in a generally sucky sort of way. Having an evil megalomaniac toad impersonating a woman as your teacher will do that to you, but part of Harry's problem stemmed also from the fact that outside of the Weasleys, there was _absolutely no one_ that he could talk to and have a laugh with concerning Sirius and his current state of being. The state of being pregnant that is. Pregnant and still quite a man. No, if Harry were to suddenly start telling everyone about his pregnant _godfather_, who, by the way, was like, completely innocent- then he'd seriously have no chance changing people's minds about the whole Voldemort issue.

And, really, couldn't they get their heads out of their asses? Who would make up a lie as stupid as claiming the Dark Lord was back without it actually being true? That's just setting yourself up for humongous failure and ridicule. Not that the actuality of the truth was turning out much better, really…

In any case, while Harry was steadfastly affirming Voldemort's continued… existence (for lack of a better word), getting his hand sliced open near nightly (oh, such fun), and being over all shunned by the vast majority of his peers (kids these days), Hermione was dealing with a much larger problem. How to inform her parents that their teenaged daughter had gotten a grown man pregnant with their first- and at this rate, last- grandchild.

So far she had composed fifty such attempts, before discarding them by way of a well-placed _incendio_, and really, wasn't this sort of news done better in person anyway? Ron then came up with the rather ingenious plan of bringing them to Headquarters for Christmas where they could see the evidence quite clearly for themselves. While normally Hermione would rather disapprove of this sort of "Shock and reveal" tactic, the more she considered it, the more she quite liked it. She spoke to Dumbledore and it was agreed. By Christmastime, Sirius would have a rather noticeable baby bump and the Grangers would be safely ensconced in Headquarters, away from Death Eaters and previous misconceived notions concerning procreation and other trivial matters such as these. Hermione was in love with this plan and celebrated her new freedom from this responsibility with an enthusiastic snog, taking one oblivious and blushing Ron by complete surprise.

Now Harry had this to add to his list of grievances. While he was fending off the toady bitch and dealing with more and more defamations to his character, his best friends were now able to leave the real world and its problems behind for a few moments in favor of snog or two. Harry didn't think this was fair, but he consoled himself by coming up with more and more garish names to send to dear Snuffles.

And the man himself, not only does he have to deal with being stuck in his grim old home of childhood (yeah, I made a punny, deal with it!) but now he also has to deal with the absolute indignity of being pregnant with a teenage girl's child. What the hell?

Things could only get worse when Christmastime arrived and he received two unexpected guests, because, yes, Hermione had also decided that it would be best not to warn Sirius either. Dumbledore, who knows why, agreed that this was indeed a sound plan, and, would she like a lemon drop?

**So, like I said, I can add on to it and keep it complete, although I'll probably end up writing the Christmas scene sooner or later :P The surprisingly warm response I recieved to this fic encouraged me to add to it, and I'd like to thank _TazziJadeBlack; BlackElectric; Abbzeh; and muppetpowelly7 _and everyone who alerted/favorited :D I think y'all are pretty darn awesome! So, I hope y'all enjoy this addition to my little parody, I wrote it in much the same manner I wrote the original piece- that is to say, quickly and without any overthinking- so I hope it measures up to your expectations! Anyhow, thanks for giving me the time of day :) Ciao!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Right, so, disclaimer aside (do I look like I own anything? I barely own my car...) I have not exactly proofread this. For that, I apologize. Also, ffnet is being extremely slow at the moment so I'm going to have to recognize my awesome reviewers by name in the next chapter. Nevertheless, I love you all for reviewing, favoriting/alerting! I am extremely honored that anybody likes my poor little showing here, and I hope I can continue to amuse. Also, if you're following my other stories, yes, I know it's been a while, but I am working on them, however slowly, and I hope to next have an update for Not Done Yet up and running. Hopefully relatively soon, but I make no promises that I could break. Anyways, thanks for reading!**

It was the week of Christmas and Sirius was making his increasingly unwieldy way to the kitchen, when the doorbell chimed. Considering the house was under the Fidelius charm, Sirius was more than just a little bewildered as he made his way to the front door. Order members generally just apparated right in, or let themselves in without a fuss. Some, therefore, might suppose it foolish of Sirius to go straight to the door to open it without knowing who, or what, was on the other side, but, hey, it WAS under the Fidelius, right? So no worries, right? Well, maybe.

Opening the door, Sirius was greeted with a couple who looked almost familiar. In fact, the more he stared at the man's rather bushy brown hair and the woman's inquisitive brown eyes, he had the sinking feeling that he knew exactly who they were, and wasn't he going to kill Hermione Granger next time he saw her?

"Oh," he said a bit blankly. Holding the door open a bit wider, he said, "Do come on in, please."

Following him somewhat nervously, Mrs. Granger clutched tighter to her husband upon seeing what looked suspiciously like some kind of leg being used to house umbrellas. Just as she was getting over that shock, her eyes lighted upon the heads of house-elves past, and she barely suppressed a shriek. Having looked over her daughter's textbooks each summer, Jean Elisabeth Granger was no stranger to the oddities of the Wizarding world; she simply wasn't accustomed to actually coming face to face with things she had only read about.

"Is that?" Robert Granger pointed a slightly shaky finger in the umbrella stand's direction, inexplicably reminding Sirius of Arthur Weasley. If Arthur were a muggle and vaguely horrified by Dark Wizard quirks, that is. Yeah, totally the same. Shaking off his confusing thoughts, Sirius answered rather flippantly.

"A troll's leg being used as a menial household item? Yeah, doesn't really add much to the décor, but Mummy dearest didn't really have good taste. Then again, she _was_ insane." Pushing open the door to the kitchen, Sirius caught the faintly relieved looks on both Doctors faces as they came into the well lit, reasonably normal room. Seeing as it was the most utilized room of the entire house, it made sense that it was the least grungy.

Offering them both a seat, Sirius pulled three butterbeers from the fridge and settled in across from them. Casting a cursory spell as had since become his habit, Sirius opened his and took a swig, twirling his wand in his hand as he imagined all of the possible outcomes this particular conversation could have. With a dawning horror he realized that he had no idea what Hermione had told, or not told, her parents. This, he was fairly sure, was hell. Azkaban, he thought morosely, simply could not quite compare.

Resisting the urge to whine like the dog he could turn into (or the child he would eventually be having… O.o) Sirius bravely began to small-talk. Now, this might have turned out very badly, having been imprisoned for the majority of his adult life and having last been let loose on the world in the 1970s and whatnot, but his few years on the run abroad had actually left him with nothing better to do than soak up the latest news. Well, nothing better than avoid capture and imminent removal of his soul, that kind of thing. I'm sure you understand. After all, aren't these the sort of trials common to all mankind?

After about thirty minutes of this, Sirius mustered up his Gryffindorish courage (sometimes mistaken for the "Fools rush blindly in" syndrome) and instead of being witty and urbane, blurted out,

"Your teenage daughter knocked me up and you have a granddaughter due by the end of March."

Crickets chirped. Stars blinked. Epiphanies were happening somewhere around the world. And all the Granger's heard was,

"You had sex with my daughter?" Robert roared as Jean fainted, and Sirius reflected that perhaps he should have gone about this a different way.

"What?" He asked, fully indignant. "I would never! Besides, listen to the syntax, _she_ knocked _me_ up. Me! I'm a bloody bloke, I am. You have any idea how completely undignified this whole situation is? She gets to traipse around bloody Hogwarts without a care in her bushy brown head, completely forgetting the fact that she's going to be partially responsible for a child by the end of the year, and who gets stuck here, in this dim, dusty old mausoleum? Me, that who. So sit the hell back down and listen, 'cause I'm only going to say this once. The Twins, yeah, they're capitalized, are pranking geniuses, surpassing, quite possibly, even myself. They tried to prank me with a potion to simulate pregnancy in a man, only it didn't just _simulate_, geddit? No, it did the real thing because your _meddling_, damned _interfering _daughter had to go and bleed in the bleeding potion without telling anyone, and boom! Voila! Next thing I know, I'm up the duff."

Breathing rather heavily now, Sirius sank back into his chair thanking any deity listening that his bout with morning sickness had ended two months past.

A rather pale and shaking Robert sank back into his chair, a horrified expression on his face as he stared in the general direction of Sirius' abdomen. Sirius wasn't sure, but he thought he heard him whimper faintly. Not surprising, really, heaven only knew just how Sirius could be expected to give birth, what with lacking the appropriate parts and- oh _dear_, that was so not morning sickness coming up, he thought nauseously, clamping on hand to his mouth as he focused on breathing normally. Right then, no more over thinking the idea of giving birth. After all, he had already decided with Madam Pomfrey to have a c-section done a couple of weeks before they figured the baby would try to come naturally. Of course, the dear madam had been keeping a rather close eye on Sirius, just in case the pregnancy didn't prescribe to a normal gestation date, but so far he was following the expected time table. And wasn't that just peachy?

By the time Sirius had fought back the onset of nausea, both Doctors Granger were settled across the table from him and fully up to speed. In fact, Jean seemed to be taking the news better by the minute and it wasn't long before Sirius realized that he was going to be spending the foreseeable future with a baby obsessed woman.

"A girl?" she asked, just this side of squealing. Both men eyed her warily before Robert responded.

"Yes, dear, that's what he said."

This time she did squeal.

"Ooh, Robert! A grandbaby! Oh, Sirius dear, Hermione mentioned- rather briefly- in her letters that you didn't have the best experience with parents and that you were imprisoned unfairly just a few years after school." She had turned towards Sirius and was holding his hand in hers. "And to have this on top of all of that, well- I want you to feel free to come to me with any questions you might have. You're a part of this family now and I want you to know that despite the unusual circumstances, as you are having my first grandchild, I fully welcome you to think of me as Mum."

"You do?" Robert asked her, just the tiniest bit dazed. Jean looked at him sharply, her expression unconsciously mirroring her daughter's when asked what she thought to be a stupid question.

"Yes, Robert," she said stiffly, "I do. After everything that has happened, the least we can do is offer our full support. Of course," she said, turning back towards Sirius, "I can understand if thinking of me as your mum could be a bit much, but at the very least consider me an aunt." An uncertain look passed through her eyes as she cast a glance around the room as though reminding herself that, judging by the rest of the house, the Black family probably wasn't stellar. "Perhaps not the sort of aunt you would have been accustomed to growing up, though." She smiled at him suddenly. "We'll figure it out together."

And just like that, Sirius, white stain upon the Black family, pureblood scion of the "Most Pure", bright light of the Darkest family, and wizard of the Noble persuasion, found himself essentially adopted by a muggle dentist.

Life's funny like that.


End file.
